These Staurt Weitzman's are clear winners in any shoe-off! Photo by Jean Thornton
In grade school I could never get very far in any spelling bee. During my teen years I knew better than to claim an understanding of any form of science. Throughout college I stayed quiet while my friends got into the deep debates about religion and faith. I knew my limits then and I know my limits now, which is why when it comes to car repair or recommending a bottle of wine I default to those with more experience. However there are some topics I can stand my ground on and one of those is obviously shoes and no one is better prepared for a shoe-off than I am.
Some of you doubters are wondering two things: first, what is a shoe-off and second, in what alternate reality do shoe-offs occur in? The answers are as simple as pairing a kitten heel with a breezy tea-length dress! I refer to ‘shoe’ as a verb in this situation, as something you do, not what you wear out of necessity. A shoe-off is kind of like the old “yo momma” smack down from grade school playgrounds—only far more sophisticated because it happens in really pretty shoes and as adults you have perfected the hand-on-hip stance, plus you are not standing by the monkey bars.
Shoe-offs are basically a way that you defend your shoe taste against another woman (or in some cases a gay man) while never having to open your mouth or even rolling your eyes, although eye rolling is still permitted. Clearly, a shoe-off involves a comparison of shoes; even the most confused man can figure that one out. Since it is a well-known fact by those “in the know” that the one with the best and most shoes wins basically at life; logic tells us that a shoe-off is only one battle in the war of shoe. You may lose the shoe-off but still win the war, although I don’t like to take chances on such things.
You may be saying, who calls a win in a shoe-off? Trust me—you know who the clear winner of a shoe-off is. It is like a presidential debate. Sure both sides may have their points but only a stiletto can stab victory. The loser, of course, must play it cool and take it in stride like a New York Fashion Week model in a dud of a gown. You must keep your head up no matter what and walk it off.
In the words of Gwen Stefani “This *#$% is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S.” And it pretty much always is! A shoe-off is not for the faint of heart and weak of mind. You have to have the cold stare and determination of sniper with his target in his crosshairs. It also helps if your pedicure is absolutely flawless. A shoe-off can literally come out of nowhere and happen at anytime. Just like a chance meeting with an ex, you have to be ready to strut what your momma gave you and what Calvin Klein made you. That is why I almost never leave my home without putting my best heel forward. Walking the dog can become a showdown with the new neighbor and I have to protect my turf at all costs.
Shoe-offs can happen anywhere really and, trust me, they go down everyday. From the grocery store to a night at the bar or running to the ATM a shoe-off can happen anywhere. You have to always be prepared to defend your shoe girl status. I have actually had cars pull over to compliment my shoes while hanging up a yard sale sign. One time my friend Shelia and I had a shoe-off while driving, while this may sound impossible the other cars that saw my platforms hanging out the window can back up this event.
To those who witness a good old-fashioned shoe-off it may remind you of a duel scene in a Western film, 20 paces and then strike your best pose that displays multiple angles and elements of your heels while highlighting your own personal perfections yet hiding your flaws. It’s basic self-defense when you think about it. You have to know your environment and your challenger’s weak spots. Never turn your back unless you’re casually showing off the bracket on your new L.A.M.B. heels.
The winners, losers, and highlights of shoe-offs may never be printed in the sports page, even though they are far more interesting than major league baseball. However that does not stop me from the private celebration of knowing I got it when claiming a shoe-off victory. Yeah, I may never be asked on McLaughlin Group or to help explain the finer points of the latest Supreme Court ruling, but when it comes to shoes I am the go-to girl. And if you want to challenge me on that, meet me outside at sunset and you better bring your big girl shoes because I am going to knock you out of them. Shoe-off thrown down!
A shoe-off out of nowhere! I was at one of those “Taste of —” restaurant tasting events when I noticed a girl in line for a lobster quesadilla–actually I noticed her really great black gladiator-style heels. Right there in the park–she was making her stand with some mighty fine footwear!
What made you the clear winner in that shoe-off was the shoe out the window. I would have kicked yo’ butt in any vehicle catagory.