They say that in moments of true emergency we are overcome with the unique ability to survive…but what about our shoes? Occasionally I am asked about various shoe survival strategies. Whether it’s avoiding blisters or how to walk in sand with heels, there is clearly a need for a guide to surviving life’s less shoe-friendly moments. This week a reader emailed me asking my opinion on a film clip of women fleeing a sinking boat into shark infested waters. Along the way at least one lost her shoes, begging the question how do your shoes survive an emergency? Remember, I am only a professional shoe wearer, not a professional survival guide.
How to Survive a Bear Attack in Stilettos:
Even in the best of situations, out running a bear is unlikely and not advised. In stilettos it’s probably never going to happen! If you happen to have “Bear Spray” in your cute Coach clutch you can try spraying the bear. Since I usually only carry a little Chanel Number 5, it would really have to be a classy bear to be subdued by this method. Conventional bear escape wisdom advises laying stomach down with fingers laced over your neck and basically playing dead. Seeing how even my Jack Russell Terrier has not mastered this game, I am not sure there is much hope for a really terrified shoe girl to do so calmly. If by chance your freshly perfumed bear decides to wander away, stay on the ground for 20 minutes, which would be a good time to count your blessings and rethink this whole nature girl thing.
It’s important to note that bears, like shoes, come in many colors and styles. The above tips are good for a Brown Bear. When it comes to Blacks Bears it is supposedly better to fight back; maybe this is where pointy-spiked heels could come in handy. With Polar Bears, you are pretty much screwed. Due to declining sea ice, they are forced to hunt on solid ground. Thus most are hungry and playing dead might just speed up the whole eating you process and fighting back might be equally fruitless. In these cases, all I can say is why the heck are you near a polar bear in the first place, and I hope he doesn’t eat your designer heels too.
How to Survive a Zombie Attack in Stilettos:
There are many schools of thought on the best way to survive a zombie attack. The first debate might be whether to stay where you are or flee to safety… if safety is available. I mean, hey, who’s to say a zombie attack would be limited to one specific area. If your home is super zombie secure and they cannot easily break windows and climb inside, you might just think about defending your home front and shoe closet. If you choose to flee, consider that in most zombie movies your car keys are never where you put them last, so you might have to escape on foot, making a Kenneth Cole heel with the air soles much more attractive.
Whether you are going to stay or go, you will need some survival items: plenty of fresh water, canned goods (& can opener, of course), flashlights, and some nail polish for touch-ups. (It’s a battle against the undead, but still no need to look unkempt). You also have to think about shoe repair; a supply of replacement heel tips; and some super glue might come in handy. If you are running for your life in stilettos, I recommend you run in Manolo’s. Not only will a pair of Manolo’s offer you that classic chic style one wants when fleeing flesh-craving zombies, but they also are pretty darn comfortable. I also suggest a pair of Mary Jane for the added support of an ankle strap.
How to Survive an Emergency Plane Landing in Stilettos:
When Flight 1549 safely landed on the Hudson River after being struck by a flock of birds, many were overcome with amazement as 155 occupants were rescued from the plane’s wings. While others praised God for sparing those souls, I found myself racked with worry over how I would have gotten my soles off a plane in such a situation. I could easily visualize myself telling dear Captain Sully I just needed a minute to grab my Prada pumps from my carry-on bag and then wobbling in my Dolce & Gabbana stilettos as I balanced on that plane wing.
This is why I recommend keeping all of your shoes in a carry-on that can be stowed under the seat in front of you so you can easily grab them should an emergency landing become necessary. Passports and credit cards can be replaced, vintage Jimmy Choo’s cannot. If it should be necessary to use the inflatable slide, I suggest taking off those spiked heels prior to sliding. No one likes a shoe girl who pops the emergency exit slide!
How to Survive a Sinking Boat and Shark Attack in Stilettos:
After reviewing this scenario in my head, I have to say I am not sure what advice to give. Just trying to survive this scenario barefoot would be hard enough, but to keep on stilettos while trying to swim to dry land with a shark in pursuit just seems almost impossible. So the best advice I can offer is to avoid boats in shark-infested waters if this situation concerns you. You can’t win them all, at least not in stilettos.
There you go—my survival guide for life in stilettos. And please use common sense when applying these strategies. After all, you are listening to a girl who considers not having enough red strappy heels an absolute crisis.









