The Island Shoe Girl's Blog

Where shoes meet sand…

Men of Science vs. Women of Stilettos January 29, 2012

Filed under: Its All About the Shoes — theislandshoegirl @ 10:14 am
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Who needs science when you have stilettos? Photo by Jean Thornton

Sometimes I think men are just jealous of how strong women really are.  How else can you explain some men’s constant attacks on women’s footwear?  The most recent of these attacks came from two scientists whose recent research findings were published in the Journal of Applied Physiology.  These men of science say their research shows that women who wear heels for 40 hours or more a week moved with shorter, more forceful strides, and that stiletto strutting ladies’ feet were perpetually flexed in a toes pointed position.  These movements continue even when barefoot (okay, here is the first issue I have with this study—why are they taking off their shoes?) because the fibers in the calf muscles of shoe girls had shortened, thus putting much greater mechanical strain on their calf muscles than those women who had the poor taste to wear flat shoes. 

Men of Science, such as these researchers, might have a few x-rays, statistics, and charts on their side and perhaps some proven facts.  But as a Woman of Stiletto I cannot help but find fault with this study.  First of all, the designers did not study each woman in heels of varying heights.  I think it’s perfectly logical to assume that any woman who wears heels for 40 hours or more a week likely has a vast variety of shoes in many types of styles, heel heights, and support.  A Mary Jane pump might provide greater support than a strappy sandal.  A good shoe girl would recognize this and consider this when selecting shoes for the day.  Yes, many of us shoe girls will push ourselves to extreme for a cocktail party or evening out, but we generally have better sense when preparing for a busy day at the office.  It is logical to wear those more sensible Mary Jane Pumps when strutting up the street. 

Another problem I see with this study is that is was not done in a natural environment, but inside a laboratory instead.  Here the women were put through controlled tests, walking certain distances while having their every move (or lack their of) recorded with electrodes.  But Women of Stilettos do not simply walk back and forth in a laboratory!  We strut down the street with confidence and grace to a sound track in our mind.  Show me a girl wobbling in her heels, and I will show you a girl with no personal theme song playing.  This study also gave the Women of Stilettos a lack of purpose in their walk.  A woman with a destination and drive behind her walk is a woman on a clear mission.  She is moving not to go solely from one side of a room to another, but to go somewhere, to do something with her actions. 

But beyond these issues I see with how the research was conducted, and I offer another theory, which is this: Women of Stilettos are women of faith.  We climbed on top of something that should scientifically and logically not hold our weight.  No one would design a building with the logic of putting all the weight onto two tiny spokes.  Yet, women do it and have faith that we can hold ourselves up.  Women of Stilettos are women who believe that we will not fall down; even when we wobble a little we can self correct.  We see the world of cobble stone roads, loose gravel walkways, or grassy fields not as hindrances but just other challenges to overcome.  They are just another step that must be taken to move forward. That step might be shorter but they are forceful steps as the research of Men of Science shows. 

Men of Science might be able to measure how my toes point even when resting or that my calf muscles have been altered by my choice of shoes.  But as a Women of Stiletto I kind of have to shrug my shoulders and say, “so what” and simply keep on walking.  Because a Women of Stiletto does not stop long enough to hear what Men of Science have researched; we are too busy moving ahead.

 

Shoe Psychosis January 22, 2012

Filed under: Its All About the Shoes — theislandshoegirl @ 9:53 am
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Who wouldn't go crazy with shoes like these? Photo by Jean Thornton.

Ever see a pair of heels that make you say, “I want to put you on my feet and wear you now?”  I do—almost every time I see a pair of amazing heels.  If there is a Casedia sale on Ruelala.com all I can think is ‘I want to put you on my feet’.  When an email lands in my inbox boosting a shoe sale at Niemen Marcus Last Call, my toes curl with anticipation.  Heaven forbid if I find myself in the clearance room of a department store shoe section—I can turn into a real stiletto-psychopath.  Another shopper might politely ask if I am done with a pair of shoes and I have to edit my natural urge to explain I am not done with the entire rack and who said she could come in this room anyway!

It’s like I have OCD or OCSS (Obsessive Compulsive Shoe Shopping); I never ever get enough.  Most people reserve the phrase “took my breath away” for the first time they see a spouse or their child.  Me, I use it to describe how I feel when I am near designer shoes.   No matter how hard I try to control my desires, I find myself frequently out of control.  This is a realization I came to during the post-holiday season sales after calculating my total shoe intake in less then 3 weeks as 12 pairs.  Apparently this is more shoes than most people buy all year. 

I have no will power when I am faced with rows upon rows of stilettos, pumps, wedges, and sling-backs all calling my name from their cozy shoeboxes.  They beckon me to just try them on, no commitment, no promises to buy…just slip them on for a minute and see how they feel.  See how their arches feel against the bottom of my foot.  See how their leather straps wrap around my ankles.  See how they would complement every single piece of clothing that I own or could ever desire to own. 

These little shoe voices whisper softly in my ear, “oh we go together so well.”  And I am left breathless by how right those shoes are.  I am also frequently forced to live on a shoe string budget because of those same shoes… oh the irony of a girl who hates tennis shoes to be forced to live on a budget named after them!   Perhaps these little shoe voices could get me a diagnosis of shoe-schizophrenia.  But who would want a cure for an infliction that makes my toes look oh so good?

I might honestly have an unknown shoe psychosis that has yet to be acknowledged by the American Psychological Association or the Diagnostic Manual’s latest edition.  Treatment option could be limited; group therapy would probably only fuel my habits.  A group of women sitting around talking about shoes… yeah, that’s helping—especially if they are a similar shoe size.  I couldn’t face  treatment from a therapist with bad shoes. And electroshock therapy would likely only make my hair frizzy.  There might be prescription medications that could help control these urges, but what if they had unpleasant side effects like not wanting to buy shoes? 

Thus I find there is no hope for me except to continue to manage my illness the best way I know how.  With more shoes of course!  Some might say I am shoe crazy, but I wonder if maybe you are in a shoe depressive state of sorts.   Maybe the whole world is insane from lack of shoes and my fellow shoe lovers and I are the only truly “normal” ones. 

Okay, I am pushing it.  I can hear groans of disgust through your computer screens as you read this.  Luckily for me I let the voices of my shoes drown out the voices of my detractors.  So I seek comfort in my shoe closet where the voices say, “We are so glad you brought us home…you should go back to the store and get a few more of our friends.”

 

No Reality January 15, 2012

Filed under: Its All About the Shoes — theislandshoegirl @ 9:10 am
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A shoe girl lost in reality. Photo by Jean Thornton

Over drinks with a friend, the conversation somehow wandered to the topic of the reality TV show The Amazing Race.  My friend commented that she thought it would be so fun for her and I to be on the show together.  I was about to counter that that my idea of a trip around the world involved several luxury hotels and far more luggage than one backpack’s worth.  Before I could speak, my friend stated the obvious, “you couldn’t do that; they wouldn’t let you wear heels.”   For a brief moment I did think of scaling the pyramids in a pair of Michael Kors’ wedges….before thinking I would much rather scale the escalator at Bergdorf Goodman’s. 

My friend was speaking the truth of course.  I am not a girl who easily gives up her heels; just ask my poor foot doctor who has had to twice force my broken foot into an orthopedic boot.  So thoughts of seeing the Seven Wonders of the World without my standard six-inch stilettos just might the eighth wonder.  Yet the more I thought about it, the more I realized The Amazing Race is not the only reality show I am disqualified from.  In fact, I cannot find one that would welcome a shoe girl like me.

If The Amazing Race is out, then Survivor is most definitely a pipe dream.   Each season generally starts with the contestants jumping off a boat or being dropped randomly in the wild.  Then trudging through jungle or swimming for dear life to make what they call “camp,” I am not sure what “camp” is or why I would want to “make” it, but I hear it lacks a walk-in closet.  Besides, I don’t like to take my shoes anywhere a GPS system cannot find. Sorry—if Tom-Tom doesn’t go there, neither do I.

A few of my married friends might hope to marry me off and perhaps The Bachelor just might be the reality show for that.  Yet, the thought sharing a house with 30 women just plain terrifies me.  No, it’s not the thought of sharing a bathroom or failing to land a “solo date”…FYI ladies, ALL dates should be “solo dates!”  But the worry that the band of skanks that regularly appear on this show might pilfer my shoes?  Sorry, no rose, ring or slightly damaged bachelor is worth the risk of another contestant stretching out my Jimmy Choos.

Fortunately, I do not qualify for such MTV reality shows like The Real World because I actually live in THE real world where people actually pay rent.  And because my parents were smart enough to let me take sex education in high school and I was smart enough to take notes, I have missed my chance to be on Teen Mom.   As a side note to the Teen Mom stars, if you are too embarrassed to buy a condom, you should be too embarrassed to have the consequences on TV.  Of course, since my skin tone is a normal color and not baked by UV rays, Jersey Shore is out.  And because I can spell both Jersey and Shore I am also eliminated from casting. 

I would keep my fingers crossed for a spot on The Real Housewives, if the franchise ever moved to Key West as perhaps my shoes would be safe on that show.  Due to my ability to drink extreme amounts of wine and live beyond my means, I would think this would be the perfect place for my shoes and me on Reality TV.  However, since I have a real job that would not allow for 3 hour long lunches to keep up with the busy Botox schedule and wine drinking in the middle of the day, once again I am out.   It’s such a shame because I would be a really great guest on Andy Cohen’s Clubhouse—Mazel, Andy!

So alas, out of reality I must stay…at least out of Reality TV.  There might be people out there who would be interested in seeing an everyday girl in extraordinary shoes face real realities like trying to finish the monthly reports on time, pumping her own gas, cleaning her own toilet and walking the dog.  They might be fascinated at all the amazing things I do like pay my bills and not be followed around by cameras and boom microphones.  These people, however, are most likely busy being “Reality” TV and thus have no time for reality.

Until the day when the tables turn and true reality becomes the NEW reality, I will just keep dreaming up my show.  Hey, what about a reality where a shoe girl spend hours organizing her shoe closet and trying on designer heels?  Sounds fascinating to me!

 

Occupy Shoes January 1, 2012

Filed under: Its All About the Shoes — theislandshoegirl @ 2:43 pm
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Nobody better try to protest these shoes. Photo by Jean Thornton.

I had a terrifying thought the other day and it has caused me some great concern.  Now I am not one to push a political agenda on this blog unless that agenda has to do with banning Uggs.  I believe that a ballot box is where those issues most belong and if you don’t have the time to vote, I don’t have the time to listen to you.  But I have to admit that I am one to voice an opinion when requested or amongst friends. 

However, my fear has to do with The Occupy Movement.  See, I had a brief flash of terror when I thought this movement might spread to my shoe closet.  I figure I just might be in the 1% of shoe owners (please note that this is the only 1% I am in) and what if the other 99% of shoe owners decide that they should have some of my shoes?  Could the other 99% of shoe owners see my shoe collection as an unequal distribution of shoes?

If Occupy Shoes continues to gain momentum I might wake up one day to find protestors occupying my shoe closet.  They might be marching around carrying signs that read “We are the 99% who wear flat shoes.”  A group wearing Birkenstock sandals might set up a drum circle near my designer heels, while another cluster begins one of those annoying chants where everyone repeats what the leader says. 

Having a group of protestors in my shoe closet would surely drive my dog crazy, not to mention put a serious strain on the one bathroom in my apartment.  My landlord might not be too happy either as the extra traffic could cause unintentional damage.  Plus my apartment is a place where you can relax quietly, read a book, or perhaps toss a tennis ball to my dog.  I would likely have to remove the Occupy Shoes protestors; of course I am not violent but I might have to spray Febreze on them to get them out.  I am sure that somewhere along the way I will have to give a press conference explaining that, while I support everyone’s right to shoes, blocking my right to shoes is not the way to go about it. 

I of course believe everyone has a right to shoes, I don’t think that in our society, which is so shoe rich, that anybody should be barefoot.  Yet at the same time I have to point out that I paid for all of my shoes.  I worked many hours for my shoe collection, sometimes working two jobs just to get a pair of Manolo Blahnik’s. I was not born with a silver shoe on my feet.  My parents did not own a shoe store which I had unending access to; I only had hard work to get my feet in shoes.  So why all the sudden am I supposed to share my shoe wealth with others who perhaps have never worked a 12 hour shift just to buy Prada pumps?

Yes, I understand that very little in life is free (except living in a park apparently) and it can be expected that a person might gather some financial baggage along the way.  While financial baggage might not be as cute a Kate Spade tote, it does not mean you don’t have carry it.  If you earned a college degree you cannot cry foul if that degree does not come with a six figure salary that makes your student loans magically disappear in a year.  And if you earned a college degree in something that does not have a corresponding career field, may I suggest looking into a wait service job in the meantime.  I am sure you are working on the great American novel, but until then you can recite the specials.   

I don’t mean to sound harsh and uncaring.  I do care. I care a lot which is why I work at a job where I actually get to the change my community and the lives of others.  I do this by helping people find work, teaching them how to budget and manage their money, and hopefully they will be prepared for the hard times ahead.  And I hope that they will be able to buy as many shoes as they can afford to.  Those that I help might not be able to make it into the top 1%, but they surely will not stay in the bottom 1%.

Dear Occupy Movement, please do not occupy my shoe closet.  I might be in the top 1% of shoes but I got here the old fashioned way… a lot of hard work and waiting patiently to earn to earn my shoes.  And if you still think you should occupy my shoe closet a word of caution: I have been wearing heels my entire life and I can stand in stilettos much longer than you can.

 

Key West Christmas December 25, 2011

A little sample of some Key West Christmas cheer. Photo by Marilyn Kaple

Despite the fact that this week’s temperatures have stayed around 80 degrees in Key West, I cannot help but find myself running the lyrics of White Christmas inside my head.  And if the weather predictions prove accurate, it seems most of the country will also be only dreaming of White Christmas this year.  It might not be too hard to imagine a Christmas without snow as winter has only started, but perhaps a Christmas in shorts would be a little harder for most to picture. 

Despite the hustle and bustle of the season and the warm breezes off the ocean, I often find my Key West Christmas is just as traditional as the white ones I used to have back in Ohio.  True, there is almost no chance of snow this Christmas—or any other day in Key West—and if there is, I will have to talk with my real estate agent immediately! Nonetheless, Christmas and its spirit are alive and well on my island.

Lights are wrapped around the trunks of palm trees and glow against the white picket fences that line the sidewalks.  Poinsettias are abundant on the large wrap-around porches and more than a few locals choose to put their Christmas tree outside as well.  Neighbors sit on their porches and shout a cheerful hello and offer a glass of holiday cheer as friends stroll by in their short sleeves and Santa caps.  Sure we are a little heavy with the rum in the eggnog but you have to get those spirits in you somehow. 

Trolleys filled with carolers drive down the streets ringing their bells joyfully.  Families and friends often gather along the street to shout cheer back.  Little Key West kids might never make snow angels but they do know that Santa sometimes arrives by boat, and a mojito rather than glass of milk might improve your chances of being listed on the “Nice List.”

It’s true a warm, wool scarf will likely not be needed this holiday season in Key West and it might look very strange to throw one around your neck with your tank top—or to pair your knee-high boots with shorts; but it is the season to embrace Santa’s fashion sense.  There won’t be a need for snowsuits but you might need some special red shoes to wear to the lighted boat parade.

And while my Key West Christmas might be different from the ones I had when I was little in Ohio, at the end of the night I can see my neighbors’ Christmas lights glowing through my window, reminding me of the lights that used to shine on the Christmas tree outside our bedroom doors when I was little.  Yes, Christmas is different now as a Key Wester and as an adult.  It seems that days are more filled with things to do and less with celebration and carols.  But there is still magic in the days leading up to Christmas, still a bit of cheer reserved only for December days.

This year for many around the world the holiday might be a little different.  Some stocking might not be stuffed quite as full; perhaps there will be a few less wrapped packages under the tree, and maybe a smiling face from years past will not be there to share the day.  I know for myself and others that hopes for a better 2012 will be at the top of our lists.  Yet, if the spirit of the season can be found under palm fronds and on sailboats, it surely can be found anywhere a heart is willing to embrace it. 

And though I will not see snow this year, I still hear Bing Cosby’s wishes for a white Christmas.  So wherever this Christmas blog finds you, I will end it with hopes that all your days be merry and bright, and that all of your Christmas be…worth singing about.

 

Skip This Ad December 4, 2011

Who would skip an ad for these fabulous heels? Photo by Jean Thornton

As a die-hard fashion lover, I digest my fair share of fashionable reading.  It ranges from glossy-paged magazines, to biographies on designers, to blogs, to online magazines and newspapers that proclaim to be the end all guide for all of my fashion needs.  All of these fashion sources have a cost and some have a significant amount of advertisement.  Now I love a shoe advertisement probably far more than the next girl, but some of these ads are simply out of control.

I understand completely that nothing comes for free.   There is no free ride on the catwalk of life and delivering fashion insight and news is certainly no exception.  But at times I feel that these ads have spiraled out of control.  No matter if I am reading—the Fashion section of the New York Times or skimming a website—it seems that I cannot avoid an advertiser intruding on my pleasure time. 

When it comes to magazines I will gladly pay a price to have fashion at my finger tips, ready whenever I need it whether that be on a plane, on a train, or while waiting for a doctor’s appointment.  Tell me as many times as you want about the convenience of an electronic book, you will not win over this lover of pages.  It’s like telling me to wear a ballet flat; sorry, I am a stiletto girl and there’s no way around it.  Just the same, I am a real live paper-between-my-fingers girl.  (Plus, I think one of the most stylish accessories is a book cover that reveals a little bit about its reader.)

The advantage of advertisements in print is the ease with which one can choose to stop and observe or move along.  Some fashion advertisements are as informative, thought provoking, and attractive as some articles and photo spreads in those same magazines.  There is also the added bonus of being able to fold down a corner on the ad for those new Prada pumps with a casually scribbled shoe size for subtle birthday shopping hints. 

As a little girl I loved newspaper ads.  I would sprawl on the family room floor each Sunday and look through all the shopping flyers that were stuffed inside our Sunday paper, planning an imaginary shopping trip to my favorite stores.  Of course as an adult many times these are still imaginary trips since living on a mall-less island prevents such weekend shopping sprees.  Yet, these advertisements fuel my luxury-filled dreams. 

But in today’s online world, the happy web surfer is bombarded with advertisements.  Try to read a story online about Elizabeth Taylor’s Estate Auction and you’ll find yourself bidding on ways to avoid pop-up ads.  Some of the pop-ups even have pop-ups!  One advertisement blocking my view had the nerve to say “your requested video will play in 5 seconds” as it download an unwanted image onto my screen.  My requested video!  When did I click the “annoy me with advertisements” box?

Not only do these advertisements insert themselves into my online life, they almost stalk me across the World Wide Web.  Look at a Kate Spade bag online this morning but don’t be shocked if an ad for it lingers along the side of your inbox while you check your email.  And that cute little clutch just might follow you to your favorite gossip site as well.  Next thing you know that bag is stalking you when you Google driving directions. 

Perhaps these advertisements wouldn’t be so frustrating if some sites did not limit your time without a subscription.  So after clicking “skip this ad” twenty times while trying to read up on this winter’s scarf trends, you get a notice that says, “Your free views have been exceeded for the month, click here to subscribe for unlimited access.”  And thus another advertisement has blocked me from my supposedly free reading.  Of course if you add up all the time I spent clicking ‘close’, ‘skip this ad’, or suffering through an annoying advertisement for something I don’t really want, I have more than paid for the pleasure of reading that article. 

Thus a shoe girl like me resorts back to good old-fashioned….fashion magazines.  Sure there are still advertisements and I run the risk of paper cuts, but at least I can drool over Chanel mules without a pop-up advertisement offering to tell me the meaning of my name.  The only name I want to know the meaning of is the one stamped on the soles of my stilettos.  And that you can advertise!

 

Life Lessons with The Island Shoe Girl November 20, 2011

Filed under: Its All About the Shoes — theislandshoegirl @ 10:59 am
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An important life lesson...a Manolo can go a long way. Photo by Jean Thornton.

The other day an acquaintance at a meeting casually mentioned that she would be catching up on some shows on her DVR.  When I asked what shows she had on stand by (expecting something of quality viewing like some of the Real Housewives franchise), she told that she was watching Oprah’s Life Lessons.   This caught my interest because I had thought the competition between Oprah and I for who would be America’s most influential woman was at a standstill with the end of her show. 

But Oprah has restarted the race with her new show, which just so happens to be on her own television station, OWN.  If you ask me, this comes across as a little “me-ish”.  Apparently, one of the OWN’s shows is Oprah sitting around talking about her talk show and what she learned from each episode…a little life lesson!  Get it?  If not, I am sure Oprah will sit down and talk you through it.  Similarly, if you didn’t get the extremely high level of thought Oprah used in her afternoon talk show, she will break it down for you to a level even easier for you to comprehend. 

I must admit I have never watched one of Oprah’s Life Lessons.  I somehow have a feeling that these lessons would not be very helpful in my own life, seeing as how Oprah and I have a vast differences in our lifestyles, our economic standing, and more than likely, Oprah’s closet is the size of my entire apartment…in her weekend house.  I am guessing that the overall lesson of Life Lessons is that Oprah can get people to watch reruns of her talk show, sell advertisements for it like it’s a new show, and make even more money without very high production costs. 

I figure if Oprah can do it then why not me?  Okay, not me because first of all, I don’t have my own television show, let alone television network.  Secondly because I don’t think I have the same following. I am basing this on the fact that when I recommend a book, I generally lend it to a friend, not make it a best seller.   However, I do have this blog; so I figure this can be the starting point of my own set of life lessons…take that Oprah!

Life Lesson #1:  Once you start buying designer shoes, it’s hard to go back.  This can be an expensive lesson to learn.  Let’s face it, once you go Manolo, you can’t go back.  When you become accustomed to nicer and nicer things it’s hard to appreciate the slightly less nice things.  So take your time when acquiring more expensive shoes; like growing up too fast, you can’t go back once you’ve worn a Prada pump.

Life Lesson #2:  There’s always a bigger shoe closet out there.  You might think you might have the biggest or the best shoe closet, but let’s face it—somewhere out there is a bigger, better shoe closet.  You can’t compare your shoe closets to others; it will only frustrate you.  Instead seek to create the shoe closet that makes you happy.

Life Lesson #3:  A good cobbler is a hard to find.  There are some things in life that are plentiful: cheap wine, red nail polish, and Lifetime movies.  But cobblers are like parking spaces—you can’t find a good one when you really need it.  A cobbler should be treated like a good friend…good friends that can save your favorite pair of Stuart Weitzman’s.  And really, if you have a friend that can do that, you are a lucky girl.

My 4th and final Life Lesson: Never give away all your lessons at once!  Hey! A girl’s gotta keep a few tricks up her sleeve or in her knee-high boots.  If I give them all away here and now, why would you keep coming back to this blog?  I am sure Oprah has a whole vault of her life lesson programs tucked away somewhere in case she needs a Christmas Special or something.  Besides aren’t the best lessons in life the ones you learn on your own… notice that’s a little ‘own’ and not Oprah’s OWN.

 

How to Survive in Stilettos November 6, 2011

It's survival of the fittest in these LAMB stilettos. Photo by Jean Thornton

They say that in moments of true emergency we are overcome with the unique ability to survive…but what about our shoes?  Occasionally I am asked about various shoe survival strategies.  Whether it’s avoiding blisters or how to walk in sand with heels, there is clearly a need for a guide to surviving life’s less shoe-friendly moments.  This week a reader emailed me asking my opinion on a film clip of women fleeing a sinking boat into shark infested waters.  Along the way at least one lost her shoes, begging the question how do your shoes survive an emergency?  Remember, I am only a professional shoe wearer, not a professional survival guide.

How to Survive a Bear Attack in Stilettos:

Even in the best of situations, out running a bear is unlikely and not advised.  In stilettos it’s probably never going to happen!  If you happen to have “Bear Spray” in your cute Coach clutch you can try spraying the bear.  Since I usually only carry a little Chanel Number 5, it would really have to be a classy bear to be subdued by this method.  Conventional bear escape wisdom advises laying stomach down with fingers laced over your neck and basically playing dead.  Seeing how even my Jack Russell Terrier has not mastered this game, I am not sure there is much hope for a really terrified shoe girl to do so calmly.  If by chance your freshly perfumed bear decides to wander away, stay on the ground for 20 minutes, which would be a good time to count your blessings and rethink this whole nature girl thing.

It’s important to note that bears, like shoes, come in many colors and styles.  The above tips are good for a Brown Bear.  When it comes to Blacks Bears it is supposedly better to fight back; maybe this is where pointy-spiked heels could come in handy.  With Polar Bears, you are pretty much screwed.  Due to declining sea ice, they are forced to hunt on solid ground.  Thus most are hungry and playing dead might just speed up the whole eating you process and fighting back might be equally fruitless.  In these cases, all I can say is why the heck are you near a polar bear in the first place, and I hope he doesn’t eat your designer heels too. 

How to Survive a Zombie Attack in Stilettos:

There are many schools of thought on the best way to survive a zombie attack.  The first debate might be whether to stay where you are or flee to safety… if safety is available. I mean, hey, who’s to say a zombie attack would be limited to one specific area.  If your home is super zombie secure and they cannot easily break windows and climb inside, you might just think about defending your home front and shoe closet.  If you choose to flee, consider that in most zombie movies your car keys are never where you put them last, so you might have to escape on foot, making a Kenneth Cole heel with the air soles much more attractive. 

Whether you are going to stay or go, you will need some survival items: plenty of fresh water, canned goods (& can opener, of course), flashlights, and some nail polish for touch-ups. (It’s a battle against the undead, but still no need to look unkempt).  You also have to think about shoe repair; a supply of replacement heel tips; and some super glue might come in handy.  If you are running for your life in stilettos, I recommend you run in Manolo’s.  Not only will a pair of Manolo’s offer you that classic chic style one wants when fleeing flesh-craving zombies, but they also are pretty darn comfortable.  I also suggest a pair of Mary Jane for the added support of an ankle strap. 

How to Survive an Emergency Plane Landing in Stilettos:

When Flight 1549 safely landed on the Hudson River after being struck by a flock of birds, many were overcome with amazement as 155 occupants were rescued from the plane’s wings.  While others praised God for sparing those souls, I found myself racked with worry over how I would have gotten my soles off a plane in such a situation. I could easily visualize myself telling dear Captain Sully I just needed a minute to grab my Prada pumps from my carry-on bag and then wobbling in my Dolce & Gabbana stilettos as I balanced on that plane wing.  

This is why I recommend keeping all of your shoes in a carry-on that can be stowed under the seat in front of you so you can easily grab them should an emergency landing become necessary.  Passports and credit cards can be replaced, vintage Jimmy Choo’s cannot.  If it should be necessary to use the inflatable slide, I suggest taking off those spiked heels prior to sliding.  No one likes a shoe girl who pops the emergency exit slide!

How to Survive a Sinking Boat and Shark Attack in Stilettos:

After reviewing this scenario in my head, I have to say I am not sure what advice to give.  Just trying to survive this scenario barefoot would be hard enough, but to keep on stilettos while trying to swim to dry land with a shark in pursuit just seems almost impossible.  So the best advice I can offer is to avoid boats in shark-infested waters if this situation concerns you.  You can’t win them all, at least not in stilettos. 

There you go—my survival guide for life in stilettos.  And please use common sense when applying these strategies.  After all, you are listening to a girl who considers not having enough red strappy heels an absolute crisis.

 

Real Women vs. Real Designers September 25, 2011

 

Heels that are both runway and real women worthy. Photo by Jean Thornton

In fashion you are either in or you are out—or at least that’s what Heidi Klum tells us.  And it’s true that fashion moves faster than almost everything else, a point proven by the fact that the Spring 2012 clothing lines have been shown even before the official start of Fall 2011.  So I realize that this blog is already a bit out of style and perhaps more than a day late.  But this issue has bothered me so much over the last week that I felt a need to risk being yesterday’s fashion news.

About a week ago Project Runway gave its designers the challenge to design clothes for an “everyday woman.”  Each designer was paired with a woman’s boyfriend or husband to help plan an outfit that each woman would love.  All of the designers were instantly terrified at the thought of designing for a woman who might actually not be the same size as a dress form and then even more so frightened by the limited knowledge their “helpers” had when it came to determining what types of clothing or styles each woman preferred.  Their only relief was that they were not designing men’s wear… yet.

One designer, Oliver, seemed to have the hardest time accepting the challenge.  Oliver became mortified at the fact that his model had breasts, and not just any boobs but large breasts.   Oliver’s first plan seemed to be to just ignore that his model has breasts all together, but his helper’s persistent referencing to his wife’s breasts blew this whole plan. 

Things were only made worse for Oliver when his real woman/model showed up and not only had breasts but also opinions and the ability to speak.  At no point was his model rude or demanding, but she did express real concerns about Oliver’s design and how it would look and function on her body.  This is where Oliver stopped being a troublesome reality show contestant and started being…well, an asshole…and Oliver explains to the camera that he would really just like to design for women with no breasts, opinions, or voices. 

That might seem like the ranting of a frustrated designer unable to create the perfect outfit for a client, but the more I thought about it the more disturbing his words became.  Oliver wasn’t frustrated that he couldn’t find a common vision or make his client feel good in the clothes he was designing.  Instead he was complaining about the very things that make women, women.

What’s sad about this for me is that Oliver skated by the judges; they didn’t hear how horrifically he treated the very concept of designing for women.  Here on a show where the whole concept is creating beautiful garments for women to be bought by women, Oliver, who presumably hopes to one day be a successful women’s designer (he is after all on Project Runway!) was able to degrade women in such a deadpan display to the camera. 

At the end of this episode, Oliver made it safely to the next round.  The judges never questioned Oliver’s real-life model and husband about their experience working with him.  And when the other contestants commented he was lucky to have made it through this week, Oliver was both without emotion and appeared unaware that he had not truly fulfilled the spirit of the challenge or the show.  Thus, in some small way, real women everywhere took a step back off the runways of life and were put back on the sidelines to watch. 

I wonder if the judges who were not privy to Oliver’s comments at the time of taping saw them later and felt just a little twinge of worry.  Did they as people who have successfully launched careers based on selling beautiful fashions to women (of all shapes and sizes as Michael Kors does design beyond a size 2) take any pause at what Oliver said?  Did they worry that maybe a designer like that could hold back women’s fashions?  Or did they not find Oliver’s comments or challenge designing for a real women concerning at all? 

Let’s be honest, most models who strut the Fashion Weeks’ runways are not the same size as the majority of women in the world.  For many ‘real’ women, the sidewalks, offices, and little places where we spend our days are the only runways we get to grace.  It would be sad to think that someday a designer could take those runways away too.

 

Family Tradition August 21, 2011

A perfect pair of Dolce and Gabana heels for a girl who loves stilettos, island life and and little drink now and then! Photo by Jean Thornton

Hank Williams Jr. sums up his tendency to drink, smoke, and sing all night long by claiming it is a family tradition.  I now can make the same claim about my own habits of wearing stilettos and drinking wine.  It seems that my love of shoes and appreciation for cocktails have deep-seated roots in my family history. 

For years I figured I got my love of shoes from my grandmothers, as both were true shoe girls in their day.  But now I have learned that the double shoe gene I posses actually comes from my great-great paternal grandfather.  No, this is not a major confession or deeply held family secret about a secret cross-dressing past… it was simply a well-laid business plan.

This past week my father was helping my grandmother go through some family paperwork.  At one point during this process, he learned that my great-great grandfather had been a cobbler that owned his own shop.  Next door to the shop was a little tavern that he owned as well.  When business at the shoe store was slow and the town seemed empty, my enterprising ancestor decided to open a tavern that would draw in the residents from the more distant areas near the town.  Being a genius of a man, he realized that while the men drank, the women could shop; thus creating a bloodline fueled (nourished) by shoes and booze.  

Clearly, my great-great father was an innovator and businessman far before his time—today, people would call him an entrepreneur. You have to wonder if today he would run a high-end cocktail lounge with a shoe salon attached.  Forget, Skinny Girl Margaritas and get ready for “Stiletto Shots”—the drink that fits in your high heel.   

Fast forward a few generations and he can find his great-great granddaughter most nights in her favorite heels sipping a cocktail aroundKey West.  Having the sudden knowledge of this part of my family’s past has given me a better understanding of myself.  It has often been asked how a girl who likes fashion and shoes so much could find herself in a town where bars, beaches, and boat docks provide some major shoe hazards.  Wouldn’t I prefer to live somewhere with unending shoe stores and where the art of walking in a six-inch stiletto is appreciated? 

Yet, I stay on my little island where my heels can garner strange looks from flip-flopped observers as I am biking to my favorite bar.  And now I know that my love for both shoes and a good drink come from something greater than the logical explanation of drinking to dull the expected foot pain that comes with many of my shoes.  My love of shoes comes from a long family line of shoe lovers who also happen to value a strong drink at the end of the day. 

As Hank Jr. would say; “They all ask me, shoe girl why do you drink, why do you wear heels, why must you live out the blogs that you wrote?  Stop and think it over; try to put yourself in my unique position.  If I get drunk and wear stilettos all over town, I’m just carrying on an old family tradition.”

 

 
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