A shoe girl lost in reality. Photo by Jean Thornton
Over drinks with a friend, the conversation somehow wandered to the topic of the reality TV show The Amazing Race. My friend commented that she thought it would be so fun for her and I to be on the show together. I was about to counter that that my idea of a trip around the world involved several luxury hotels and far more luggage than one backpack’s worth. Before I could speak, my friend stated the obvious, “you couldn’t do that; they wouldn’t let you wear heels.” For a brief moment I did think of scaling the pyramids in a pair of Michael Kors’ wedges….before thinking I would much rather scale the escalator at Bergdorf Goodman’s.
My friend was speaking the truth of course. I am not a girl who easily gives up her heels; just ask my poor foot doctor who has had to twice force my broken foot into an orthopedic boot. So thoughts of seeing the Seven Wonders of the World without my standard six-inch stilettos just might the eighth wonder. Yet the more I thought about it, the more I realized The Amazing Race is not the only reality show I am disqualified from. In fact, I cannot find one that would welcome a shoe girl like me.
If The Amazing Race is out, then Survivor is most definitely a pipe dream. Each season generally starts with the contestants jumping off a boat or being dropped randomly in the wild. Then trudging through jungle or swimming for dear life to make what they call “camp,” I am not sure what “camp” is or why I would want to “make” it, but I hear it lacks a walk-in closet. Besides, I don’t like to take my shoes anywhere a GPS system cannot find. Sorry—if Tom-Tom doesn’t go there, neither do I.
A few of my married friends might hope to marry me off and perhaps The Bachelor just might be the reality show for that. Yet, the thought sharing a house with 30 women just plain terrifies me. No, it’s not the thought of sharing a bathroom or failing to land a “solo date”…FYI ladies, ALL dates should be “solo dates!” But the worry that the band of skanks that regularly appear on this show might pilfer my shoes? Sorry, no rose, ring or slightly damaged bachelor is worth the risk of another contestant stretching out my Jimmy Choos.
Fortunately, I do not qualify for such MTV reality shows like The Real World because I actually live in THE real world where people actually pay rent. And because my parents were smart enough to let me take sex education in high school and I was smart enough to take notes, I have missed my chance to be on Teen Mom. As a side note to the Teen Mom stars, if you are too embarrassed to buy a condom, you should be too embarrassed to have the consequences on TV. Of course, since my skin tone is a normal color and not baked by UV rays, Jersey Shore is out. And because I can spell both Jersey and Shore I am also eliminated from casting.
I would keep my fingers crossed for a spot on The Real Housewives, if the franchise ever moved to Key West as perhaps my shoes would be safe on that show. Due to my ability to drink extreme amounts of wine and live beyond my means, I would think this would be the perfect place for my shoes and me on Reality TV. However, since I have a real job that would not allow for 3 hour long lunches to keep up with the busy Botox schedule and wine drinking in the middle of the day, once again I am out. It’s such a shame because I would be a really great guest on Andy Cohen’s Clubhouse—Mazel, Andy!
So alas, out of reality I must stay…at least out of Reality TV. There might be people out there who would be interested in seeing an everyday girl in extraordinary shoes face real realities like trying to finish the monthly reports on time, pumping her own gas, cleaning her own toilet and walking the dog. They might be fascinated at all the amazing things I do like pay my bills and not be followed around by cameras and boom microphones. These people, however, are most likely busy being “Reality” TV and thus have no time for reality.
Until the day when the tables turn and true reality becomes the NEW reality, I will just keep dreaming up my show. Hey, what about a reality where a shoe girl spend hours organizing her shoe closet and trying on designer heels? Sounds fascinating to me!
